Deep breath and count to ten

There are some days when you just feel like punching someone's face in. Doesn't have to be anyone in particular. Just any random stranger will do.

I can't remember the last time I went to bed feeling so angry.

Fear

If fear drives you to hustle more and fight against what you're afraid of, then it's fine.

But if fear stops you climbing back on the horse because you've been knocked off too many times, then it's something you have to overcome.

I'm feeling a great temptation to fall to the latter side during this period of my life.

But I know that it's time to start hustling and bustling again.

It's truly time.

Led me straight to you

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two, wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
And led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand, you've been there, you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Now I'm just rolling home into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
And led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road and led me straight to you.

~Rascal Flatts~

Looking forward

The next couple of weeks are going to determine how my 2010 plays out. It's where I lay the foundation for the next year.

There are so many loose ends to tie up in my current projects that I want to complete within December. And there are so many new things that I'm only just starting to build and plan for.

No pressure, yea.

Words

Whenever someone asks whether I'm all right or how I am during this season, I've fallen into the habit of holding back on sharing much. Just short, clipped responses with pure facts and detached emotions.

I honestly don't think that any of my words can help anyone truly understand what I've been gone through. And many times when I tried baring my soul, I'm met with sceptical eyes and slightly raised eyebrows as though asking how bad could it really be.

It has been absolutely gut-wrenching.

So many things crushed in the last few months.

My identity as a provider, especially leading up to marriage. My dignity as a man. My success as a leader. My usefulness as a son in light of my father's health. My contribution in my family to bring joy to my parents' relationship. My ability to bring security and happiness to my future spouse. My effectiveness in my ministry. My skills applied to various business projects.

There's really nothing left in the tank. I'm an empty shell. I can barely scrounge the will to hope even though there is still everything to hope for.

I'm embarrassed to admit the number of times I've gone to bed crying. Or the number of times I've gone up for altar call in the last six months when I'm supposed to be one of the altar workers praying for people. But hey, that's the truth.

I went up again last Saturday. And I just needed a word of confirmation to be released. Even though two people prayed for me, there was no release. And no, it wasn't because my heart was closed to God. I was ready. But the prayers released were general, feel-good prayers with no specificity or conviction. Then when I wanted to seek God myself at the altar, the service was closed and the altar cleared out.

I'm sorry. I probably shouldn't be sharing this on my blog. But I'm just so disappointed.